The last post on my blog was one-year ago, just about the
time when the bride and I were working on having a baby the alternative way via
IVF. I won’t get into the details
of that, rather I’ll slightly tell you that the year brought forth many ups and
one major downer.
We got to see the beautifulness of the development of a
beautiful baby girl and then the world changed two months ago when we lost her
at 38.1 weeks gestational age.
Hell, we had never even considered a loss so great as that—couldn’t even
fathom that historic moment in our lives with the purchase of a larger vehicle
for our new family, setting up and having a baby shower, receiving gifts,
filling out thank-you cards.
Picking out the best furniture that would carry young Victoria Morgan
into her teenage years and possibly become her child’s furniture. It was made out of the best Maple the
industry had to offer—we were proud, it was better quality than our own bedroom
furniture. Infant car seats and
the stroller was the most difficult to choose. Then, her clothing… we had even picked out her winter
jacket, snow pants for the bi-annual family Christmas vacation this year to
Europe. Her room was completed in
two months and with the level of care and precision that Bob Vila would be
proud of.
With all the preparation, what parents would even consider a
possible loss, especially since all the doctors and nurses stated, that “all is
well,” “she’s growing on pace?” It
definitely didn’t cross our minds.
Then that one fateful Thursday morning in March brought forth a
different set of events. Victoria
was not moving like she normally does after breakfast and the stomach seemed a
bit low. One hour after the call
to Labor and Delivery, we were told that we lost her, she was without a beating
heart, “I’m sorry, she’s gone.”
“No, this can’t be!” 13.5
hours later, Baby Victoria was delivered in the minutes past midnight and for
four amazing hours, we held her. I
sit here at this computer, often scanning down to look at the framed photo of
her on this desk of mine and for two months considered and pondered a way to
finally voice this to the rest of the world. Here we are.
Merriam Webster defines Stillbirth as “the birth of a dead
fetus.” Others define it as “the
birth of an infant that has died in the womb after having survived through at
least the first 28 weeks of pregnancy.”
Well, according to our state, and the Federal Government, a Stillbirth
is beyond 20 weeks. At any rate, I
define Stillbirth as the loss of my daughter, Victoria Morgan. Because we’re Veterans and my bride is
still Active-Duty, we opted to have her buried in Arlington National
Cemetery—our future home. She’s
gone. Our memories of Victoria are
the movements after breakfast, the sound of music, and her gymnastics when it
was time for an ultrasound. Most
of all, the touch of her hand, her long hair, beautiful skin, and the features
of both of us embraced in our arms.
The only things that haven’t changed include her room… the
bag has never been emptied, the pillow that she laid upon and we took from the
hospital, still lies in the corner of her crib, everything in her room has
remained the same since coming home without her.
One of the few things that we have embraced in our hearts
next to Victoria is not only our immediate family but our military family. Whether virtual (via the
internet/email/social networks) or personal (at our doorstep), they were there
and it was immediate. Both
families were very vital to the immediate recovery in the hours, days and weeks
following Victoria’s passing.
Without them, I’m not quite sure how we would have held up. We are strong willed, and have
extremely strong personalities, but nothing could have prepared us or in my
mind, prepare anyone for this sort of loss.
With all this being said, I was quite shocked to see the
“traffic” and visits to this blog over the past year. I appreciate your viewership. I’m not quite sure where I will take my
blog now… I hope to come up with something worth reading. I also begin another blog beginning
today on an entirely different website this month, one that I will be monetarily
paid to accomplish and I am even at a greater loss of words and ideas for that
one, I thought I was ready. Maybe
I’ll update all of you on our progress and possible future with another attempt
at having a child. Until then,
Salute!
